Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me in tagged photos
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.