A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Guilty! 🤪
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.