Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Strangers have the best candy.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
#NoRestForTheWicked
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.