I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
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Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker