@retniw_nuf

I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.

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@ilovepie84

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

@Supafunkadunka

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

@Merman_Melville

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

@writerPT

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

@jonnysun

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

@Reverend_Scott

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

@juicymorsel

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

@AnOrangeSNES

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.