Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Strangers have the best candy.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
⛄️
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“no gods no masters” = leo
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Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.