Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Autocorrect completely socks
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.