[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.