If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
*throws flashlight at him
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!
DAMMIT I’M MAD !”