Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Check out the legs on this baby
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My Sentiments Exactly