@dumbbeezie

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

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@ThePunnyWorld

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

@JohnLyonTweets

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

@GlennyRodge

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

@ArfMeasures

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

@Merman_Melville

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@SteveKoehler22

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait