The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
#catsoftwitter
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.