I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
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Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.