American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
english majors be like furthermore
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right