Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
adding to the discourse
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
technically true but not a great slogan
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.