Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me irl
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.