Me irl
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I hope Alan is OK
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.