Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.