You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes