He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.