Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Well well well…
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…