it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You Might Also Like
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I feel attacked.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.