@KeetPotato me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
@PaulyPeligroso The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
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@KeetPotato 
@thepunningman [hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
@ch000ch i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
@CCRuns Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
@adult_mom I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
@MarieLoerzel Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
@Cognitive_Diss I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
@lazy_joe_ “Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
@Popehat Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.