The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”


“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”


i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly


WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look


Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.


I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics


“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul


Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.