The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You Might Also Like
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”