Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
What a year we’ve had this week.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“Everybody freeze!”
-November