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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?