You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?