You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
the best thing i’ve ever made
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg