I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
You Might Also Like
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.