my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.