sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You Might Also Like
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.