Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?