Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better