Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.