Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
You Might Also Like
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[eats all your cotton candy]
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Girl, same.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?