Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational