If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Guantanamo Bae
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.