The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I unironically love this joke.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.