Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
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I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.