Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: š¶Like a good neighbor, state farm is thereš¶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Ok so the rule is if itās a vowel sound use āanā and if itās a consonant sound use āaā. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.Weāve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please donāt give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
For a place called a āholding cellā people sure hate to cuddle.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting āI want a pretty pursey!ā but her ārāsā arenāt well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after ādo NOT give me a useless brother in lawā
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Nope, thatās a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *youāre
ME: -ions are presumptuous
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and Iām so flattered theyāve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I donāt see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? Theyāre waiting for me, arenāt they?
5 told me she was really sad but didnāt want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said āIām sad because thereās no caramel cheeseā and now weāre both sad
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. Itās makes me feel like Iām getting my moneyās worth.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.