ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.