Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Childbirth is so beautiful
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.