I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too