To the max.. 😂
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…