What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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Driving in Europe vs Canada
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A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]