Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
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My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
me linking you to my twitter
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair