Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied