When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?