My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.![]()
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What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice