Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*