I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Every. Damn. Time.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Lube but for my dry humor.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
called in thicc to work this morning
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.