I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I wish I were this cool 😂
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude