Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.