My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Brilliant!
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