Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Bike for sale
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over